Sunday, 22 August 2010

brink

reading over the notes in my dairy
these recent times
i find myself shrinking
to the leanest
existing
on thin air
floating
a feather at equilibrium
an inch away from altogether
vanishing

*****

12 comments:

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

why?
good image, but what could have inspired it?

P. Venugopal said...

ma'am, actually my blog is not about poetry. this piece is about my condition at the present stage of a change that has been happening to me these past four-five years. i was a person with a terribly inflated ego. to tell you frankly, as a journalist i had changed recent Kerala political history by blowing open the SNC Lavalin controversy with a story you can access on the following link:
http://www.hindu.com/2005/06/12/stories/2005061205900400.htm

this story prompted the CAG to focus his attention on the subject and come out with a report that is exactly mine--only minute differences in the quantum of public money lost was there in the CAG report. since you follow Kerala politics, you know what transpired later on.

the shock of the impact that a 1,000-word newspaper report could have on the ambitions and rivalries of politicians and their parties, even their personal life, totally disoriented me for a time in my professional life. it was never the paper's agenda, nor was it mine. i had just believed what i did was my duty. people who matter for me in the profession then onwards started getting uncomfortable even at the sight of innocous reports filed by me. i was totally nutralised. even today stories flow to me, because people who know me know i have no agenda. but i don't touch any story that can make a difference.

i exist as a feather, an inch away from vanishing altogether, not wanting to make a difference, which is in reality the root cause of our ego.

this blog is about my trying to scrap off the moss of ego that had gathered over the antenna and start seeing what is what, who i am, why i am.

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

WOW! i salute!

but wanting to make a difference - always thought was a virtue.

guess one has to dismantle one's values foundationally through intense metaphysical readings to agree with you. too demanding a task.

the poem is crystal clear now.

P. Venugopal said...

Thanks, ma'am. Lao Tsu, the Chinese Buddha, became enlightened watching a leaf fall from a tree. Wafting softly with the wind it came down to settle peacefully on the ground. The wind came again and yet again and blew it around at will. Resistanceless the leaf flew in whichever direction the wind blew. But it is difficult to touch that lightness of being, very difficult.

A donkey that is used to carrying heavy loads on its back will fret and bay its heart out when the load is taken off its back. But what lightness the loadless condition brings, what freedom! We are like this donkey; we cannot appreciate the beauty of freedom. We want a role everywhere, we want to be seen as someone who matters.

I have noticed that when we do not want to make a difference, when we let everything to be as it is, a difference happens naturally around us. within family, among friends, at work and everywhere else we find a difference happening, a lightness flowing in.

our ideas about virtues limit us. it limits our flexibility, spontaneity. we who are most conditioned by our ideas about virtues are the most complicated people. it has been a much bigger struggle for me than anyone else can understand and the struggle is not yet over. The donkey is still depressed.

Kalpana said...

To be honest the peice was not so easy for me understand.......but then I read these comments and I feel enlightened though like K ma;am I too feel that I need a lot of time as well as understanding to be able to agree or disagree to what you have said. I read your article .... link you'd mentioned was incomplete

http://www.hindu.com/2005/06/12/stories/2005061205900400.htm

Kalpana said...

sorry Venuji, I think there is some issue with the copy paste command here the same text is missing onnce the comment has appeared on the blog :-)

P. Venugopal said...

Kalpana, the link is not important. I just put it in to mention the point when I started changing. It is always better to neither agree or disagree with anything. Also, I do not myself know the full truth of what I say. It changes from day to day, situation to situation...If you closely look at how these things work, it is funny.

Kalpana said...

You are right Venuji, in fact there are certain things which I use to believe firmly during my child or even when I was an adolescent and now they don't hold any value to me. As regards to agreeing and disagreeing I feel that reaching a situation when 'you don't want to make any difference and then see the natural difference occurring' seems to be a little tough. But I think I am getting your point.

I spent some time searching the story that is why I thought to tell you about the missing text in the link :-)

P. Venugopal said...

Kalpana, a fear often comes to me whether i am a bad influence on young people. whether i confuse them. my son reads my blog closely and very often expresses his disagreement. he is just into his first job and is raring to fly. he forwards to me articles meant to inspire and help become big achievers in life. i too was like him at his age, ready to conquer the world. every person has to go through his or her own cycle of evolution. in this world of competition and survival, it may disorient young people if they fall into the stage i am in at this stage of my life, when i can afford to just let go and even start sanyas today.

we, myself and my son, have discussed this issue between us. see, in Hindu temples, there is the practice of conducting what is called 'ashtabandha kalasam' once in 14 years or so. this excercise is to bind the idol firmly once again to its pedestal. after some time the idol starts turning loose on its pedestal because of all the ceremonies they conduct over it day after day, pouring water, ghee, milk and whatever other things they pour on it during various kinds of poojas. so it has to be fixed again firmly to its base once in a while. otherwise it is considered bad and inauspicious. my condition is similar to that. i am in a flux; i have come loose from my base. i am trying to fix myself once again firmly to the base. an 'ashtabandha kalasam' is going on. i may have a different thing to say when this process is over. then i may not be too bad an influence for the young.

this lack of confidence is one reason why i make my blog entries vague. but when you put in a comment or make queries, i tend to elaborate and unfurl my confusions before you.

between my son and myself, there is an understanding. as you and i had discussed just yesterday, don't agree or disagree. go deep into your own mind to know what is true and what is false. understanding what is false is the first step to understanding what is true.

and also, Kalpana, 'not wanting to make a difference' does not imply turning into a stone. watching how the system runs, i have found that there are two kinds of forces at work in this world. the forces governed by greed and such vital cravings and the forces that are opposed and are out to defeat the other for the sake of certain values and ideologies. the so-called negative forces and positive forces. but, if you look at both very objectively, you will know they are basically the same, both are things of conflict, both are negative forces. in between, there is a position that is weightless, from where only we can act with total potency, creativity. remain weightless and attentive, alert, and when the role and the occasion come searching for you, act without the back-dragging pull of pre-decided positions...

frankly, i have not reached the condition where i can elaborate any further on this subject without confusing pretty young people like you.

forget these metaphysical/psychological discussions and live life happily, watching good movies, listening to music, loving everyone and writing poetry. the basic thing, i feel, is to be simple and innocent.

P. Venugopal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James Zacharias said...

Venuji, Kochuthresiamma salutes you, but I don't. Reason is simple. Galeleo dropped a feather and a stone at the same time from the tower of Pisa.Both landed at the same tme. I'd rather be a stone.....James

P. Venugopal said...

ha, ha, ha!!!